I’ve been lucky enough to serve as maid of honor for two different Kellys in two different countries (South Africa and Mexico). These speeches evidence my storytelling abilities to the utmost.
Kelli Mayfield, Cape Town, South Africa
Bi welkom (“a hearty welcome” in Afrikaans)! On behalf of the Americans here tonight—I believe there’s a whopping 13 of us— I want to start by highlighting the experiences we’ve already begun to have while in Africa. They’re truly beyond belief. Kelli and family have fallen in love with Cape Town over the past week, and a few of us were able to start our journey on safari in Zimbabwe and Botswana. The places we’ve seen and people we’ve met have already been an experience of a lifetime that mirrors the love of a lifetime that we’re here to celebrate tonight.
Thank you to the Hofmeyr, Mayfield and Licata families for making this possible. We’re eager to see how South Africa does a wedding. And a huge thank you to Kelli and Conrad for the Hinge swipe heard round the world. It’s pretty incredible to think that with one swipe of the thumb, you amassed 100 of your favorite people together tonight from a bevy of different countries and cultures.
Speaking of that fateful dating app match… it was just over one year ago that I was in Kelli’s Denver apartment when I noticed her giddy and giggling at her phone. To explain why, she scrolled through the dozens of novels she was exchanging with a mystery man she hadn’t met yet, who was visiting his family’s beach house in Cape Town, South Africa.
I said something along the lines of ,“Kelli, I know you haven’t met him yet but you’ve gotta marry this guy, and we’ve gotta go there.” I didn’t know you take that so literally—but I appreciate it. Here we all are, at a vineyard on the ocean on the other side of the world celebrating the truest form of love and devotion.
But how did we get here? Let’s rewind a bit. 10 years ago to be exact. The year is 2014. The year that “selfie” was added to the dictionary, the year that Taylor swift released her iconic 1989 album, and the year that I met the iconic Kelli Mayfield.
I moved to Austin, Texas at the ripe old age of 25 not knowing a soul. After finding 2 roommates on Craigslist, I made the 24 hour drive to Texas. Neither of my roommates were in town the weekend I moved in, but one texted to say a friend was stopping by. Sure enough, Kelli Mayfield came bounding in the door looking to borrow my new roommate’s phone as she had dropped hers in the river.
Kelli—I don’t know if you’ll remember this—but that night we met 10 years ago, we awkwardly sat on the middle of the staircase for hours and talked. It was as if we didn’t know whether to go up or down those stairs, we just plopped in the middle, discussing where 25 years of life and love and experience had landed us.
Being a writer by trade, I put everything to paper, and back then had a diary where I would jot down a few sentences per day. August 25, 2014 reads, “After my dad headed to the airport, my new roommate’s friend popped over to borrow a phone. Her name is Kelli and we talked for hours. She seems cool!”
And she was, indeed, cool. Kelli and I were both transplants in Texas, both Taurus queens born only a few days apart in late April with similar tastes in music. I think our biggest difference is the level of center of attention that we prefer. Kelli doesn’t always enjoy the spotlight—while you may have to cut me off from giving this speech and pry the microphone out of my hands
Kelli and I attained a large group of friends in Austin, many of whom ended up settling down with the partners that they had met at age 23 or 25 or 27. Just like those literal stairs that Kelli and I were in the middle of on night one our friendship, our friends were on a metaphorical staircase but always going upward in a direction they knew they wanted. For many years Kelli and I were the two I didn’t quite know which way to go—up or down those stairs.
We dabbled in the Austin dating scene that went nowhere (…thank God). We worked jobs in a variety of different industries. We often talked about relocating—leaving Texas. But where would we go? We both loved the mountains and eventually each made the move to Denver, Colorado.
Enter: Kelli finding the love of her life, not long after she was giggling at her phone at this mystery man, Kelli was head over heels in love with Conrad.
Raise your hand if you’ve ever swiped on a dating app. Keep your hand raised if you’ve ever found love on a dating app. Keep your hand raised if you’ve ever gotten engaged 4 months after matching on a dating app.
The quick pace didn’t worry me in the slightest, I must admit. I’d seen her in other relationships, this was different from the jump. She talked about wanting things I had never heard her talk about wanting. She was calm and at ease. She simply just knew.
One of my earliest introductions to Conrad was when I was invited over for dinner. He cooked a South African feast one night, and I thought… what a thoughtful guy. One of my second introductions to Conrad was upon agreeing to watch their dogs for a weekend and being handed me a seven page packet of instructions and I thought… what a meticulously detailed guy.
The bride and groom asked me to write this speech a few months ago. I started writing it with a ton of stories and anecdotes pulled from the decade I’d known Kelli, but not a superfluous amount about Conrad, aside from the dozen or so times I had spent time with him over the past year.
Then, enter fate. About five weeks ago, my boyfriend who I shared an apartment with broke up with me out of nowhere. Completely blindsided with no time to formulate a plan, I went to a friend’s house in Denver, and the second that she found out, Kelli fled to my phones location and insisted that I come live with her and Conrad. So yes, you heard that right, for the last month or so I’ve been rooming with the newlywed bride and groom. God really wanted me to have more content for this speech I think.
There was a moment where I thought—how can I give a wedding speech at this current juncture of my life? Newly single and nearly 35. But I think I’m the perfect person as I’ve been lucky enough to have gotten a front row seat to their relationship for a month now. And let me tell you guys, if I ever enter the dating scene again, I want what Kelli and Conrad have.
They are so deeply in love. And as cliche as it sounds, perfectly compliment each other. If you want to know what it’s like being up close and personal with the newlyweds, I’ll tell you. Even when they have disagreements, they’re handled with such love and care. They have important life conversations with natural ease. They center each other. They spent part of this past Valentine’s Day, their first as a married couple, with me, splitting their heart cake heart cake made of chocolate. They use the same weird voices for their dogs. They write each other the sweetest handwritten notes. They are undeniably, and irrevocably, meant for each other.
One more story I’ll share about my years spent In Austin with Kelli and the type of friendship that she offers. My Dad would come visit Austin from New York yearly and take our group of friends out to dinner for my birthday.. I was recently looking at my collection of photos from his visits, and in each photo, there he is sitting next to Kelli Mayfield, swapping stories about life and football and music. My dad passed away from a rare form of brain cancer in 2017. While sick, Kelli would check in with me, text him, and even mailed him a Beatles blanket that he kept warm with during his final days. That’s something that sticks with you.
So Kelli, the type of person who flees to your side during sickness and breakups, found Conrad, the type of person who takes you in to his home, no questions asked while you reconstruct your life. From help with moving out to bowls of various ice cream flavors to sound life advice, Conrad has offered it all to me over this past month.
In their beautiful home, the three of us held a little Super Bowl party together, we prepared for this wedding together, we watch shows together. Honestly guys—you’re making it kind of hard to want to move out.
In all seriousness, this was a Hinge match written in the stars. Now knowing her life’s path, I’ve watched Kelli climb that metaphorical staircase that I keep circling back to. Kelli and Conrad—I don’t know where I’d be without you guys. (And not only because I live in your basement).
Let’s raise a glass.
To those two girls sitting on the stairs ten years ago without a semblance of an idea where their lives would lead. To a melding of cultures and people and places here tonight. To one of the truest forms of love I’ve ever seen up close.
(“Cheers” in Affrikans)
Kelly Stewart, Tulum, Mexico
Welcome everyone, if you don’t know me, I’m not quite sure how as I’ve infiltrated myself into the Stewart family for decades now, But I’m Ashley, Kelly’s best friend since 1995. I’ve been waiting 32 years to be a Maid of Honor, so bear with me as we travel down memory lane. Starting with Barkwood Lane.
The summer of first grade two small sisters and one older brother moved in next door in Spencerport, New York. Little toddler Jess moseyed over to our swing-set, and Kelly knocked on our front door with her dad and a cricket in a bucket named Jill. From that moment on, we were inseparable.
Well, maybe not from that moment on, because as legend has it, I strongly encouraged (or in her words, forced) Kelly to buy me ice cream in order to become my best friend. Although I have zero recollection of that mean girl incident, I do believe it, as I even used to rank our popularity quite often. According to my wildly inflated ego, I was a 9, and Kelly was “alwyas somewhere between a 7.5 and an 8”
From a cricket in a bucket in elementary and meeting at the meeting spot, the telephone pole between our two yards, snail races (that was weird) a band with your brother called the Funkies (we will not be reuniting tonight), playing school with your sister, countless phone calls were made to 352-4334 with, “Can you play?” Jess would often tag along, and although four years younger, has since become like another sister to me.
Middle school saw us literally blacklisted from being put in the same classes, a fair move from our teachers, our braces phases (not good), Knighthawks games with our dads, sneaking a Ouija board on the Gettysburg trip, and our first awkward crushes.
High school brought us our drivers tests, which we elected to take on the same day in the same hour (and we both passed, although 3 days later I hit the same neighbors mailbox that your brother Dan had also pulverized) and us interview for our first job at Eckerd Pharmacy side by side at 16 years old, both hired on the spot. That was also weird. But never scheduled together as we were deemed too annoying to work at the same time, and nicknamed “Laguna Beach” girls. We worked side by side on our senior projects together where you chose something nice and normal, you baked and decorated a beautiful cake. I, on the other hand, for some reason, chose school shootings. For senior superlatives we were awarded best friends, and as a member of student council, I didn’t even have to rig it as I was planning because we genuinely won.
We traveled the world together. At age 23 we quit our jobs and drove coast to Coast for a month with Steph. A few years later we sampled pizza in Italy, Space cakes in Amsterdam, and sunsets in Santorini.
At age 25, Kelly and I moved to Austin and lived in the Oaks apartments, which we affectionately called the jokes apartments, where our furniture was mismatched, some retrieved from dumpsters, our table required those sitting at it to hold it up themselves, and I consistently owed you $100.
Our inside jokes were so frequent that they would often have my mom frustrated at the dinner table she’d elect to leave. If you tell me a secret that I’m not allowed to tell, just know that I’ve already texted every detail to Kelly before I lie and agree to keep my mouth shut. I’m so beyond lucky though to have grown up mere feet from the girl who would go on to be my other half. You were a Ragan and I was a Stewart.
My mom was your seventh grade teacher, and my dad, who looked at you as another daughter, would have loved to be here tonight. We both know he’s toasting a Genny Light up there and watching this incredible party from above. What’s extraordinary about the Stewart’s is the way they took me in as part of their family decades ago. Interesting dinners with Pepe, family trips to Pennsylvania Camp and Lake George, family weddings. One time in middle school, Mr. Stewart claims I didn’t think any of them were home so I walked right in next door, made a sandwich and walked back to my house without batting an eye, unaware he was on the couch. But that’s how comfortable this family makes you feel. Some of my fondest holiday memories are Thanksgivings and Christmases with the aunts and uncles and the cousins, who I have claimed as my own.
Our years in Austin have been action packed and resulted in Kelly meeting the love of her life. By the way, you all have me to thank for this epic Tulum party tonight because we were roommates and I was busy at a music feistval the night that Kelly met Michael. You’re all welcome.
Not many people could and have gone from a teeny Manhattan studio to a sprawling 30 acre Texas ranch so effortlessly. You guys blended your little canine family and Michel was even accepting of your weird, weird dog. Sorry mills. From Texas to New York and back, the life you guys have built together is truly admirable.
By the time SXSW 2019 rolled around, Kelly and Michael had moved to NYC. They came back down to Austin and stayed with me for the festival. For three or four days we navigated the parties and shows together, but there’s two notable events that come to mind. The first is that we randomly met Farrah Abraham from Teen mom. And the second is that that’s when I really truly saw just how in love you guys were, and knew you two were truly meant to be.
Kelly and I started growing up together, but you really grew into the stunning, hardworking, responsible person you are today after meeting Michael. When it comes to crushing life these days—you’re at a 9 and I’m somewhere between a 7.5 and and an 8.
Kelly Anne, you have helped me through everything in my life and I don’t know a better person than you. It sounds so resoundingly cliche to say, but I wholeheartedly do not know who or where I would be without you. Don’t worry, in your married life I’ll still text you my every thought. Every day. With every sentence a separate text. I know how much you love that,
When I Googled how to perfect an epic wedding speech, it advised to end with marriage or relationship advice from the maid of honor. Clearly, I’m in no position to do that tonight. But I will say that what you and Michael have built together is something special, and I’m so happy you found your other half. Micheal, if you ever need to get on Kelly’s good side, buy her ice cream, it worked for us way back when.
So let’s raise a glass.
To crickets in a bucket,
To Barkwood Lane,
To love from Texas to New York and back,
To Kelly and Micheal.